Wednesday, October 11, 2006
And Another from the past
Okay, I'm up late trying to figure this out. I am going to be home for most of tomorrow, and am planning to go up to the farm in the p.m. after Mom's supper. I fed her her supper tonight, by the way, and she didn't have very much. Anyway, I've been working on this letter for a while, and go away from it, have another beer, and close it up for the night, lie down to sleep, get up again because of the fat pig - I AM SO FUCKING INSENSED BY HIS COMMENTS! I cannot sleep. This is something I can add to this letter, and will tomorrow. They get their own letters in separate envelopes. "Dear [Evil Sister]" and fatso gets no dear. I made up that D(her ff of a husband) said "Thanks" to Levy about giving up his Christmas.
Mom has some comments too. Don't call too early tomorrow, but I have lots to tell you.
Okay
Add suggestions to the letter. I have not printed or sent it yet. But I do hope to get it right and send it tomorrow.
(the good sister)
Dear (evil sister),
That fat fucking pig D (her ff of a husband) told me today that I insulted you on Christmas day by something I said, so I am writing to apologize for any affront. I did not mean to insult you or your children by anything I said. He said that my voicing my opinion that G(her step-grandson) was a good kid, and how I appreciated when K(her son in law) brought him and N(her grandson) over last summer and saved me and my sanity by painting my house, that I was insulting F(her daughter). I do not understand this logic, but if that was an insult to you, I apoligize. I was stating my gratitude towards K(her son in law) and the boys for stepping in after that whole transition with Mom leaving the farm and having to deal with that while you were on vacation and not willing to communicate that to me or to lend any assistance to L(The other good sister) and me. I have always believed and still do believe that F(her daughter) and K(her son in law) are exceptional parents, and I fail to grasp how that would be seen as insulting to you. When D (her ff of a husband) told me today that you were insulted and hurt, I was immensly shocked. If this is how you felt, you should have said so to me yourself.
D (her ff of a husband) also said that he and J(other Son-in-Law) did not need any help with moving Mom's funiture. I was not so shocked by the comment as the manner in which it was delivered. There was no acknowledgement of the work already completed by L(the other good sister) and me so that mom could immediately get some of the things that she needed nor that most everything was already neatly packed in boxes for their convenience. When I said that I had come to get the mirror that was mine and things that Mom needed, he repeated that they did not need any help, that I could have just told them what I wanted and they would deliver it where I wanted it to go. I was so speechless by his manner and his words that I had to leave. And of course, as it turned out, several things that mom needs went to the farm. It can also be noted that if I had gone to the farm, the alarm system would have been successfully disarmed and rearmed (it alarmed and alerted us of entry into the house). I could have been able to direct them about where things could be placed. As it is, now I will be rearranging the things that were simply dumped in the house. I will probably do that with L(the other good sister)'s help, as always.
He said that everyone has offered to help. I don't know what he was aiming for with this comment, because I know that everyone has offered to help, but I don't know why people should offer to help in a situation in which they supposedly should have responsibility. It is as if no one recognizes that there should be some equality with respect to the care of our mother. After all, she is no more my mother than yours. He followed this with saying that he knows I don't like
As for everyone offering to help, that is true, but when L(the other good sister) and I have said what the most help would be is, no one has actually come forth with that help. Let me repeat it now for you and all to see:
This is what would be the most help of all and anything:
Go visit your Mother. She's loney and scared and would just like someone to be there for a few hours at a time, to read to her or help her eat her dinner or go to the bathroom or see that she's getting her nebulizer on time. This is why I needed help painting my house last summer. This is what I've done once or twice a week for the past year and a half. And almost every day since she fell on the 20th.
And as a matter of fact, nearly every week since she had a stroke 5 years ago. L(the other good sister) and I visited her nearly every day while she was at Redeemer last time, and when she went back to the farm we would be there overnight often. We cleaned her house, bought her groceries, took her shopping, filled her prescriptions, helped her write letters, brought her meals, took her out to eat, took her to doctor's and dentist's appointments. When she moved, L(the other good sister) and I had to find a place (because you had not done what you had said you would do - talk to the
One more thing. I heard N(The evil bitch) and D (her ff of a husband) tell Dr. Levy how nice it was for him to give up his Christmas day and attend to our Mother.
Not one person said to either L(the other good sister) or me, "Thank you for giving up your Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, spending it listening to our mother crying in agony and almost screaming, "Help me please, help me please," and running out to the nurses to try and find her some relief from the agony she was in. You saw the x-rays so I know you know that she was in agony. I'm sure it was greatly exacerbated by the move from
I'm not as angry as L(the other good sister) is, but I contend that we both have every right to be angry.
D (her ff of a husband) ,
I have never been so insulted by anyone elses words as I was by yours today. You did say one thing that was true though. You said, that as my mother aged, things between us would only get worse. You are so right. But the biggest thing that makes that the case is you. Stay out of our business.
Something More from the Past
Concerning a conversation that I had with the evil sister rearding placing mom somewhere before she had left her home:
Just wondering if we can't try again to get mom somewhere better for her. I was with her yesterday and things are such a mess at the farm. She is forgetting to eat, has things spread out all over the place (as she has had for a while, I guess), can't figure out how to make coffee, loses everything, needs an inhaler (on Labor day - no chance for drugstore visit), and is so seemingly miserable all by herself. I don't really CARE if she says she'll not be happy somewhere else. She is not happy there, and it is so worrisome to be there with her so confused.
Thanks for thinking about this.
I agree with D (her ff of a husband) with a few exceptions only: I don't know if we should tell her that the decision will be made regardless (although that might be a last resort.) Remember that her sense of 'logic' is quite a bit different than our sense of logic. I would like to tell her that "for the winter, we want you to be in a place where there are other people" etc. That way she may not see this as a permanent move but somewhere where she will be spending the winter. By the time spring rolls around, she will be so use to the place that she may not remember wanting to be somewhere else. What do you think of this?
I think I will plan on going tonight regardless, and maybe broach the subject gently. Tomorrow when you come we can talk about it again more strongly.
I got a worried call from Aunty X (mom's sister) who thought we were going to drag her unwilling to the place. I assured her that the tack we were taking would give her some choice (as you say limited as it is) to go somewhere on her own volition. She thought that this would happen tomorrow come hell or high water, but I told her that probably within the month, and that Mom really DOESN'T have much of a choice ‑ it has to happen. Ok. Please write again. thanks for paying attention. ALSO ‑ I didn't call Linda to set up anything on Saturday. Do you want to call to ask if you can come and see the place with mom? If ANYONE is there I think mom needs to go and see what a nice place it is. Thanks again.
My concern with offering it as a temporary choice is that it will leave her unreceptive to liking the place and as determined to leave there as whe was to leave the nursing home. Granted, they are different environments, but even as forgetful a mom has become, she is very determined about those things that she chooses to be, and this is one. I think it is appropriate to express special concern for the winter and maybe let it go at that. I think she might really get a lot better in a place where there are people to talk to, to share mealtimes with ( I think she doesn't eat lots of times because she doesn't like to eat alone, whether she knows it or not ) and to help with things she has difficulty with. The nebulizer, getting her shoes on, moving around properly, bathing and hair and such. She does get lonesome, has told us all that, needs people to talk with to keep her language skills up. She shouldn't be at the mercy of all our schedules for any of that.
the inevitible?
Tomorrow morning will be better. D (her ff of a husband) has offered to come along and help talk to Mom. He has had some of this conversation with her already and has offered a formula for talking that I think will help. He incorporated the fact that this decision will be taken out of our hands if we don't provide a safer environment for her, and that means someone around at all times. Not feasible for any of us or for a live in caregiver. He suggests talking to her as if she could be logical and letting her know what her choices are (and none of them is staying where she is). He can be inexorable you know, and I think that might be what we need. He will come if you don't have any objection to it. Better that she be pissed at him (he says) than at us. We can take her to visit later if you have to leave before we get to that. You've already seen the place so I can report mom's reaction. D (her ff of a husband) also suggested that we could include the A (town) residence as an alternative at a later time, assuming that we would have to get her on a waiting list, and for purposes of arguement we should assume that. The important part is to allow her some kind of (very limited) choice. Letme know how you feel about Denny coming along. Love, [The Evil Sister]
