Wednesday, July 14, 2004
What I want to say to her
This is what I wanted to say to the evil sister after I was contacted by someone from the Social Security Office in in her area.
You had apparently talked to them asking them to become the payee for mom's social security, but you gave them the name of the doctor who has not seen her in 2 years and would not be able to comment on her medical condition. Attempts by them to reach you have
gone unanswered. They called the Walker asking for the name of another family member and contacted me this morning asking if I'd consider becoming payee.
I don't really want to take that on, but you seem to not be able to be involved in the care for your mother. I do not share with you all the things that happen because I know it's an exercise in futility. You may pretend to care momentarily, but as time goes on you have left the decision making and heavy lifting to us. I realize that you've been in
the role of caring for 3 youngsters now, but that behavior preceded those children living with you.
Now mom needs people to visit her. Lael and I go as often as 3 times a week. She needs to be taken to doctor's appointments. Lael and I have done that. When mom had to have a place to live last June, you blithely left IN A CAR for parts unknown while Lael missed shift after shift of work, and I took time off of my work to investigate places, stay home
with mom, locate a place, move mom, and try to cover all the bases while having no funds with which to do that. Lael probably lost more than $2000 in wages that she has no way of every recovering. You couldn't delay your trip 3 days to help. Lael and I did all that by losing wages (or in my case) and using up vacation time to deal with things.
Mom lives closer to you now than she did when she was on the farm. Perhaps you could visit mom once a month. Maybe you could call her once a week. Maybe you could meet the people who take care of her. Maybe you could have a conversation with the nurse there who says she's never even seen you. You don't know who mom's doctor is, you don't see her
enough to know what she needs, you don't get called in the middle of the night when she's been sent to the emergency room, you don't wait up all night for the doctor to call you to let you know what her condition is.
Do you think I resent this? I do. I resent that you act as if you know and are in charge without having any of the responsibility of being in charge. Do you even wonder at my avoidance of you? Do you think that I can trust anything that you say you will do? You told me a year ago that you were talking with the Walker about a place for her. Wrong.
You hadn't contacted them and why did I even believe that you would have. Lael said 'what did you expect?' I actually expected that people would do what they said they would do. Naive of me, of course. How do I know what's right? I've just been blundering along trying to do what I think is best, but the point of it all is that I have been doing
SOMETHING. And frankly, the 24 hours in my day are quite equal to the 24 hours in yours. I, too, have other responsibilities outside of my 8 hour a day job.
You may say you're sorry or try to apologize for this. You may not. Either way it's meaningless. Your actions will continue to be whatever they are - and I will continue to be suspicious of whatever you say because if you follow through this once or maybe twice or even three times, you will eventually revert to your clueless and seemingly
careless actions.
And when mom dies I will know that I did the best I could do and that you didn't even try.
You had apparently talked to them asking them to become the payee for mom's social security, but you gave them the name of the doctor who has not seen her in 2 years and would not be able to comment on her medical condition. Attempts by them to reach you have
gone unanswered. They called the Walker asking for the name of another family member and contacted me this morning asking if I'd consider becoming payee.
I don't really want to take that on, but you seem to not be able to be involved in the care for your mother. I do not share with you all the things that happen because I know it's an exercise in futility. You may pretend to care momentarily, but as time goes on you have left the decision making and heavy lifting to us. I realize that you've been in
the role of caring for 3 youngsters now, but that behavior preceded those children living with you.
Now mom needs people to visit her. Lael and I go as often as 3 times a week. She needs to be taken to doctor's appointments. Lael and I have done that. When mom had to have a place to live last June, you blithely left IN A CAR for parts unknown while Lael missed shift after shift of work, and I took time off of my work to investigate places, stay home
with mom, locate a place, move mom, and try to cover all the bases while having no funds with which to do that. Lael probably lost more than $2000 in wages that she has no way of every recovering. You couldn't delay your trip 3 days to help. Lael and I did all that by losing wages (or in my case) and using up vacation time to deal with things.
Mom lives closer to you now than she did when she was on the farm. Perhaps you could visit mom once a month. Maybe you could call her once a week. Maybe you could meet the people who take care of her. Maybe you could have a conversation with the nurse there who says she's never even seen you. You don't know who mom's doctor is, you don't see her
enough to know what she needs, you don't get called in the middle of the night when she's been sent to the emergency room, you don't wait up all night for the doctor to call you to let you know what her condition is.
Do you think I resent this? I do. I resent that you act as if you know and are in charge without having any of the responsibility of being in charge. Do you even wonder at my avoidance of you? Do you think that I can trust anything that you say you will do? You told me a year ago that you were talking with the Walker about a place for her. Wrong.
You hadn't contacted them and why did I even believe that you would have. Lael said 'what did you expect?' I actually expected that people would do what they said they would do. Naive of me, of course. How do I know what's right? I've just been blundering along trying to do what I think is best, but the point of it all is that I have been doing
SOMETHING. And frankly, the 24 hours in my day are quite equal to the 24 hours in yours. I, too, have other responsibilities outside of my 8 hour a day job.
You may say you're sorry or try to apologize for this. You may not. Either way it's meaningless. Your actions will continue to be whatever they are - and I will continue to be suspicious of whatever you say because if you follow through this once or maybe twice or even three times, you will eventually revert to your clueless and seemingly
careless actions.
And when mom dies I will know that I did the best I could do and that you didn't even try.
