Wednesday, October 11, 2006
And Another from the past
Okay, I'm up late trying to figure this out. I am going to be home for most of tomorrow, and am planning to go up to the farm in the p.m. after Mom's supper. I fed her her supper tonight, by the way, and she didn't have very much. Anyway, I've been working on this letter for a while, and go away from it, have another beer, and close it up for the night, lie down to sleep, get up again because of the fat pig - I AM SO FUCKING INSENSED BY HIS COMMENTS! I cannot sleep. This is something I can add to this letter, and will tomorrow. They get their own letters in separate envelopes. "Dear [Evil Sister]" and fatso gets no dear. I made up that D(her ff of a husband) said "Thanks" to Levy about giving up his Christmas.
Mom has some comments too. Don't call too early tomorrow, but I have lots to tell you.
Okay
Add suggestions to the letter. I have not printed or sent it yet. But I do hope to get it right and send it tomorrow.
(the good sister)
Dear (evil sister),
That fat fucking pig D (her ff of a husband) told me today that I insulted you on Christmas day by something I said, so I am writing to apologize for any affront. I did not mean to insult you or your children by anything I said. He said that my voicing my opinion that G(her step-grandson) was a good kid, and how I appreciated when K(her son in law) brought him and N(her grandson) over last summer and saved me and my sanity by painting my house, that I was insulting F(her daughter). I do not understand this logic, but if that was an insult to you, I apoligize. I was stating my gratitude towards K(her son in law) and the boys for stepping in after that whole transition with Mom leaving the farm and having to deal with that while you were on vacation and not willing to communicate that to me or to lend any assistance to L(The other good sister) and me. I have always believed and still do believe that F(her daughter) and K(her son in law) are exceptional parents, and I fail to grasp how that would be seen as insulting to you. When D (her ff of a husband) told me today that you were insulted and hurt, I was immensly shocked. If this is how you felt, you should have said so to me yourself.
D (her ff of a husband) also said that he and J(other Son-in-Law) did not need any help with moving Mom's funiture. I was not so shocked by the comment as the manner in which it was delivered. There was no acknowledgement of the work already completed by L(the other good sister) and me so that mom could immediately get some of the things that she needed nor that most everything was already neatly packed in boxes for their convenience. When I said that I had come to get the mirror that was mine and things that Mom needed, he repeated that they did not need any help, that I could have just told them what I wanted and they would deliver it where I wanted it to go. I was so speechless by his manner and his words that I had to leave. And of course, as it turned out, several things that mom needs went to the farm. It can also be noted that if I had gone to the farm, the alarm system would have been successfully disarmed and rearmed (it alarmed and alerted us of entry into the house). I could have been able to direct them about where things could be placed. As it is, now I will be rearranging the things that were simply dumped in the house. I will probably do that with L(the other good sister)'s help, as always.
He said that everyone has offered to help. I don't know what he was aiming for with this comment, because I know that everyone has offered to help, but I don't know why people should offer to help in a situation in which they supposedly should have responsibility. It is as if no one recognizes that there should be some equality with respect to the care of our mother. After all, she is no more my mother than yours. He followed this with saying that he knows I don't like
As for everyone offering to help, that is true, but when L(the other good sister) and I have said what the most help would be is, no one has actually come forth with that help. Let me repeat it now for you and all to see:
This is what would be the most help of all and anything:
Go visit your Mother. She's loney and scared and would just like someone to be there for a few hours at a time, to read to her or help her eat her dinner or go to the bathroom or see that she's getting her nebulizer on time. This is why I needed help painting my house last summer. This is what I've done once or twice a week for the past year and a half. And almost every day since she fell on the 20th.
And as a matter of fact, nearly every week since she had a stroke 5 years ago. L(the other good sister) and I visited her nearly every day while she was at Redeemer last time, and when she went back to the farm we would be there overnight often. We cleaned her house, bought her groceries, took her shopping, filled her prescriptions, helped her write letters, brought her meals, took her out to eat, took her to doctor's and dentist's appointments. When she moved, L(the other good sister) and I had to find a place (because you had not done what you had said you would do - talk to the
One more thing. I heard N(The evil bitch) and D (her ff of a husband) tell Dr. Levy how nice it was for him to give up his Christmas day and attend to our Mother.
Not one person said to either L(the other good sister) or me, "Thank you for giving up your Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, spending it listening to our mother crying in agony and almost screaming, "Help me please, help me please," and running out to the nurses to try and find her some relief from the agony she was in. You saw the x-rays so I know you know that she was in agony. I'm sure it was greatly exacerbated by the move from
I'm not as angry as L(the other good sister) is, but I contend that we both have every right to be angry.
D (her ff of a husband) ,
I have never been so insulted by anyone elses words as I was by yours today. You did say one thing that was true though. You said, that as my mother aged, things between us would only get worse. You are so right. But the biggest thing that makes that the case is you. Stay out of our business.
Something More from the Past
Concerning a conversation that I had with the evil sister rearding placing mom somewhere before she had left her home:
Just wondering if we can't try again to get mom somewhere better for her. I was with her yesterday and things are such a mess at the farm. She is forgetting to eat, has things spread out all over the place (as she has had for a while, I guess), can't figure out how to make coffee, loses everything, needs an inhaler (on Labor day - no chance for drugstore visit), and is so seemingly miserable all by herself. I don't really CARE if she says she'll not be happy somewhere else. She is not happy there, and it is so worrisome to be there with her so confused.
Thanks for thinking about this.
I agree with D (her ff of a husband) with a few exceptions only: I don't know if we should tell her that the decision will be made regardless (although that might be a last resort.) Remember that her sense of 'logic' is quite a bit different than our sense of logic. I would like to tell her that "for the winter, we want you to be in a place where there are other people" etc. That way she may not see this as a permanent move but somewhere where she will be spending the winter. By the time spring rolls around, she will be so use to the place that she may not remember wanting to be somewhere else. What do you think of this?
I think I will plan on going tonight regardless, and maybe broach the subject gently. Tomorrow when you come we can talk about it again more strongly.
I got a worried call from Aunty X (mom's sister) who thought we were going to drag her unwilling to the place. I assured her that the tack we were taking would give her some choice (as you say limited as it is) to go somewhere on her own volition. She thought that this would happen tomorrow come hell or high water, but I told her that probably within the month, and that Mom really DOESN'T have much of a choice ‑ it has to happen. Ok. Please write again. thanks for paying attention. ALSO ‑ I didn't call Linda to set up anything on Saturday. Do you want to call to ask if you can come and see the place with mom? If ANYONE is there I think mom needs to go and see what a nice place it is. Thanks again.
My concern with offering it as a temporary choice is that it will leave her unreceptive to liking the place and as determined to leave there as whe was to leave the nursing home. Granted, they are different environments, but even as forgetful a mom has become, she is very determined about those things that she chooses to be, and this is one. I think it is appropriate to express special concern for the winter and maybe let it go at that. I think she might really get a lot better in a place where there are people to talk to, to share mealtimes with ( I think she doesn't eat lots of times because she doesn't like to eat alone, whether she knows it or not ) and to help with things she has difficulty with. The nebulizer, getting her shoes on, moving around properly, bathing and hair and such. She does get lonesome, has told us all that, needs people to talk with to keep her language skills up. She shouldn't be at the mercy of all our schedules for any of that.
the inevitible?
Tomorrow morning will be better. D (her ff of a husband) has offered to come along and help talk to Mom. He has had some of this conversation with her already and has offered a formula for talking that I think will help. He incorporated the fact that this decision will be taken out of our hands if we don't provide a safer environment for her, and that means someone around at all times. Not feasible for any of us or for a live in caregiver. He suggests talking to her as if she could be logical and letting her know what her choices are (and none of them is staying where she is). He can be inexorable you know, and I think that might be what we need. He will come if you don't have any objection to it. Better that she be pissed at him (he says) than at us. We can take her to visit later if you have to leave before we get to that. You've already seen the place so I can report mom's reaction. D (her ff of a husband) also suggested that we could include the A (town) residence as an alternative at a later time, assuming that we would have to get her on a waiting list, and for purposes of arguement we should assume that. The important part is to allow her some kind of (very limited) choice. Letme know how you feel about Denny coming along. Love, [The Evil Sister]
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
What I want to say to her
You had apparently talked to them asking them to become the payee for mom's social security, but you gave them the name of the doctor who has not seen her in 2 years and would not be able to comment on her medical condition. Attempts by them to reach you have
gone unanswered. They called the Walker asking for the name of another family member and contacted me this morning asking if I'd consider becoming payee.
I don't really want to take that on, but you seem to not be able to be involved in the care for your mother. I do not share with you all the things that happen because I know it's an exercise in futility. You may pretend to care momentarily, but as time goes on you have left the decision making and heavy lifting to us. I realize that you've been in
the role of caring for 3 youngsters now, but that behavior preceded those children living with you.
Now mom needs people to visit her. Lael and I go as often as 3 times a week. She needs to be taken to doctor's appointments. Lael and I have done that. When mom had to have a place to live last June, you blithely left IN A CAR for parts unknown while Lael missed shift after shift of work, and I took time off of my work to investigate places, stay home
with mom, locate a place, move mom, and try to cover all the bases while having no funds with which to do that. Lael probably lost more than $2000 in wages that she has no way of every recovering. You couldn't delay your trip 3 days to help. Lael and I did all that by losing wages (or in my case) and using up vacation time to deal with things.
Mom lives closer to you now than she did when she was on the farm. Perhaps you could visit mom once a month. Maybe you could call her once a week. Maybe you could meet the people who take care of her. Maybe you could have a conversation with the nurse there who says she's never even seen you. You don't know who mom's doctor is, you don't see her
enough to know what she needs, you don't get called in the middle of the night when she's been sent to the emergency room, you don't wait up all night for the doctor to call you to let you know what her condition is.
Do you think I resent this? I do. I resent that you act as if you know and are in charge without having any of the responsibility of being in charge. Do you even wonder at my avoidance of you? Do you think that I can trust anything that you say you will do? You told me a year ago that you were talking with the Walker about a place for her. Wrong.
You hadn't contacted them and why did I even believe that you would have. Lael said 'what did you expect?' I actually expected that people would do what they said they would do. Naive of me, of course. How do I know what's right? I've just been blundering along trying to do what I think is best, but the point of it all is that I have been doing
SOMETHING. And frankly, the 24 hours in my day are quite equal to the 24 hours in yours. I, too, have other responsibilities outside of my 8 hour a day job.
You may say you're sorry or try to apologize for this. You may not. Either way it's meaningless. Your actions will continue to be whatever they are - and I will continue to be suspicious of whatever you say because if you follow through this once or maybe twice or even three times, you will eventually revert to your clueless and seemingly
careless actions.
And when mom dies I will know that I did the best I could do and that you didn't even try.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
What is it that makes the evil sister evil?
The reason that she was having difficulty breathing is because she smoked for 50 years. That pisses me off. She had a stroke in 1998 and that pisses me off too.
When my mom went to the Emergency Room because she was having trouble breathing because she smoked for 50 years because she had run out of her prescription which she forgot to get refilled because she had a stroke and forgets things - my evil sister (who will try to make you think she is a really wonderful person because of her cheerful disposition) left on a two week vacation leaving the good sister and me to take care of everything which included:
Dealing with the hospital
Dealing with the social worker
Investigating Assisted Living residences
Getting mom released from the hospital
Taking mom to stay with us while someplace was found for her to live.
The Good Sister did this while missing shift after shift of work for which she had no recompence. I did this by taking days of vacation from my work (and I at least do have vacation days) but my evil sister was driving off in a car on her way to Alaska or somewhere. She couldn't spend a couple of days helping us to get things arranged. When this happened I also discovered that she hadn't called the Assisted Living place that we were interested in. That is, she had SAID she would call and arrange something or at least find out about openings, but she hadn't. She hadn't called. She had done nothing.
Because this sister also takes care of the money end of things for mom (WHAT ARE WE THINKING???) she left on this vacation without providing any funds for us. There was no money for us to deal with to find mom a place and get her situated. Man, that really pissed me off. The Good Sister and I ended up spending thousands of dollars out of our own funds to take care of getting her into a good place. We did get reimbursed but it was not until months after this happened. I was so pissed off at the evil sister that even now, nearly a year later, I can barely stand to be in the same place at the same time with her.
There were times when I knew my mother was proud of me. There were times when I knew my mother was jealous of me. There were times when I knew my mother was embarassed by me. I just wanted her to love me. I wanted her to love me unconditionally which I think she could never really do. And I don't think it was so much a rejection as it was an inability. She always seemed to want to praise both of my other two sisters, and frankly, I was pretty jealous of that. That certainly might account for a good portion of the cruelty I inflicted upon my good sister while we were growing up. I think I was wanting my mom to praise and adore me like I felt she was loving my two other sisters. Little did I know that my other two sisters were probably thinking the same thing about that - wishing they got more acceptance and love from our mother. And maybe our mother was wanting to get more acceptance and love from HER mother. Man, doesn't it just piss you off how these things go on and on and on?
Maybe she was as pissed off as I am.
This week the evil sister called to say she'd like to have my mom over to her house for mother's day if she could find a ride for her. What she was asking was ' would the good sister be available to drive her up to her house (about 75 miles) ?' Well, the good sister works on Sundays, and she (as previously noted) doesn't get paid if she doesn't work. The evil sister asked if she thought I might be interested in bringing mom, but of course, by now, we all know the answer to that one. She didn't speak to me directly; I won't converse with her. I do answer in mono-syllables, and I will call her when something comes up with mom that she needs to know about (which TOTALLY pisses me off because she should KNOW about things with my mom, and WOULD know about things with my mom if she spent a modicum of time with her), but I won't initiate or elaborate on any information because, really, what's the point? She is unreliable, and expecting her to do something (even something as simple as visiting her mother once a week - or even once a month!! just results in disappointment so why bother expecting or even asking anything.
So the point here, though, is that even on the one day that she would deign mom with her presence (Mother's Day for godsake!) she can't figure out the logistics of how to get together.
This is not an unsucessful person. She has a good job, makes a lot of money, owns at least 2 vehicles with her husband, owns a large bit of property, and a 5 bedroom house. She is nearer in distance to mom than she was before mom went to this assisted living place, but she still doesn't visit her. You'd think that she could spend even ONE day a month, HELL! one AFTERNOON with her. My poor mother always asks about her, and it's pathetic and it makes me sad for her, but I feel extreme anger at my sister. What can she be thinking about?
My mother has a stroke.
We called the hospital and explained what was happening. We brought her in and they confirmed a "bleed to the brain", "cerebral vascular accident", "stroke".
Six days prior to this day, I began a new job. I was so happy about the position, knew it was a perfect fit for me, and I knew that both my employer and I would benefit from it. I probably went up to the farm that day, Sunday, to tell my mother about the new position, to hope she would be happy for me as I knew she would be, to visit, to 'check in' as the good sister and I did frequently.
The heartbreak of this day will probably be with me my entire life. I felt like I was really getting along well with my mom, which hadn't always been the case in my growing up years. She was so smart, and politically astute, read everything and very eclectically so. She'd read Mother Jones to U.S. News and World Report (although I'm sure that she preferred Mother Jones). She was really doing fairly well by herself at the farm, but the stroke affected her ability to reason and to remember. Her brain was injured in such a way that learning new things is almost impossible for her. She was such a confident person, and she doesn't have that anymore, nor does she have the ability to reason with logic or organization. Brain injuries are very strange. I can equate it to some electrical wires being cut or melted and then rewired. She sometimes says and does the strangest things. I'm really angry that she had a stroke. I'm angry because my impatience with her is a burden for both of us. I want to not be the scary evil daughter who makes all the decisions which affect her life. Maybe that's why my evil sister keeps her distance. I AM the evil daughter who makes all the hard decisions (like making sure that mom has a safe place to live and people to care for her even though she hates it) while the evil sister is still the sweet and cheerful and untroubling (albeit ABSENT) daughter who mom talks about all the time. GRRR.... That really pisses me off.
My dad dies.
He died of cancer. From the time my mother told us until the time he died was two weeks. And if you don't think that pissed me off, you haven't been reading carefully. She wanted to wait until we could all be together before she told us and she never told him. She didn't want to tell him because she thought he'd give up. But she didn't tell us because she didn't want to worry us. Oh, my god, did that piss me off.
After he died, my sister in law (and this is like the ultimate piss-off situation) decides that she needs "closure" so she arranges to have a "funeral" for my dad at her church. Now bear in mind that this was following an obituary being written and a statement being made that "a memorial service will be held at a later date". And this "funeral" was in a Christian Church for a person who lived his life as a non-Christian and who would have been repulsed to have a Christian service at his death. AND she called all of our cousins and his sister in law (our aunt) and people in her church to say that there would be this service for him. They came and wondered where our mother was. It was a head-shaker. How on earth could this white-trash wife of my brother think it was acceptable to have a Christian service for a man who was never a Christian? He donated his body to a medical school, believed (I'm pretty sure) that life was here on this earth and living a good life was its own reward. (Have I mentioned that Christians really piss me off?)
My father lived a good life. His desire was to farm, and he did that with a beautiful pedigreed heard of Jersey Cows, a well cared for acreage, good equipment, and an uncluttered life. That this sister-in-law (the tin roof on the trailer) decided she needed "closure" which in her mind was being chanted over in a Christian church was an incredible insult to my mother and to others of us in the family who find Christianity meaningless. Closure - what a stupid word. It just pisses me off! Hey, you know, my dad died. That's closure.
So we actually went on with life, although I was so pissed off at my idiot CHRISTIAN sister-in-law that I didn't speak to her for years. I still only tolerate her, and only because I actually respect my brother, probably because he keeps it close to the vest and doesn't divulge what a grind it is to be married to such an idiot. He may not feel that way, but he has so much class that I'm sure I'll never know.
Life was pretty stressful for a time. My mother cried a lot. You might expect that after being married 54 years, it would be quite a change losing your mate and being alone. I did get pretty worried when she told me that she had 'seen' him. She was as shocked about it as I was, I guess. She 'saw ' him at the kitchen table one morning probably about 2 weeks after he died. The good sister and I had spent about 10 days at the farm with her after Dad's death, but we finally had to leave, had to get back to some kind of lives. She wanted us to go. She wanted us to be ok. I think maybe she thought that our being 'ok' would help her with being 'ok'. When she told me she had 'seen' him, I knew the feeling of "Fear gripped my heart" (as in some literary work). I thought her mind was gone. I was worried that she had lost it. She explained that she thought it was his way of telling her that he was gone. Her words. It was worrisome, but I realized then that anything is possible. Whether she saw 'him' or some kind of energy that allowed her to create the vision of him is less meaningful than the message she got from seeing him. The message was not "I'm alright." The message was "I'm gone". That really made me sad.
A letter from the Crackwhore
*****,
I will be out of any communication with society for approximately 60 days. I spoke with Officer ******* ****** and he claims the sewing machine is gone. I am very sorry and the only person I know that would have this is ******* ******, phone # xxx-xxx-xxxx. He claimed he spoke to your brother ****** on Sunday prior to bailing me out, at the farm.
I had no idea the clock pawned in my name belonged at the farm and was / is your mothers. My credibility probably is crap to you but I am not a thief and refuse to ever deal with any person who steals. I am very glad you were able to recover it and plan on reimbursing you for any and all expenses. I purchased the saddles and tack at an auction and wanted to get those items along with my personal items before I leave but I will not have time, prior to me going into teen challenge. I leave tomorrow
I will try to get in contact with ******* ****** again, he resides in the ***** Trailer Park west of **** and drives a light blue Dodge Caravan. I know that I placed the sewing machine between the bookshelf and cedar chest in the sewing room on the floor and it was there when I left Tuesday after noon 3/25/03. I did not see it when I arrived back at the farm on 3/30/03. I found it extremely odd that Kevin stated he had been out there at the farm to pick up cash to bail me out on Sunday as he claimed to know that I kept my cash upstairs in a green basket in the bedroom and also wanted to see what was left over.
Once again I apologize for the hell you all have gone through. I met ******* ****** through ******* ******, I knew him less than two weeks.
I am writing a note to him also - falsely stating that he is on a surveillance tape removing items from the property - hoping you will get the sewing machine back.
I will contact you when I can.
Sincerely,
Jerilyn **** Crackwhore *****
People who talk too much irritate me. People who write incoherently irritate me. She is the target of most of my recent vitriolic repugnance. I hate her. I like to refer to her as Jeriyn Crackwhore, but I suppose it would be more appropriate to call her Jerilyn CRANKwhore since Crack probably refers to something other than this substance that they were trying but were too stupid to produce.
Her letters had this mistake repeatedly: "I would OF" and "I could OF". That mistake places her squarely within the trailer park boundary. And the way she says what she says in this letter really kills me: "The clock pawned in my name" Yes, Jerilyn, that would be the clock that YOU pawned as evidenced by the pawn ticket with YOUR signature on it. And the saddles and tack? Bought at an auction. I doubt it! Probably stolen. We are presently investigating that with the law officers of our own and adjacent counties. "I had no idea the clock .... belonged at the farm and was your mothers." REALLY?? How strange. I thought EVERYTHING that would be at the farm would belong there AND belong to my mother. Did you bring that clock with you, Ms. Crackwhore? No, you didn't. You picked it up off the bureau and said to yourself 'I wonder how much money I can get for this so that I can go gamble at the casino?' Another: "I know I put it (the sewing machine) between the book case and the cedar chest." Well, first of all she was tresspassing, she had no right at all to be there, and she certainly had no right to move anything in the house. Which she did, by the way. All the furniture was rearranged, and I already mentioned that she went through all closets and drawers.
And she goes into "Teen Challenge". HA! This is an incredible joke. I know that the reason she is doing this is so that she can look like she's a good Christian person when she goes to trial. I haven't mentioned that she was picked up with a couple of my mom's checks, that she had previously had a record which includes auto theft and check fraud. Remember though, she refuses to ever deal with any person who steals. What a piece of work this girl is. Oh, teen challenge? This woman is 38. She has a 19 year old daughter. Nice role model, eh? I'll bet her daughter is pretty pissed off.
What I should really do of course, is try to start this at the beginning. There somehow seems to be no real beginning. It just seems to be this endless stream of incidents that make me angry.
Immer veragert means Always Angry
Recently at our family farm, a place where no one is presently living, a couple of people converted one of our granaries into a methamphetamine lab. We had actually given permission to one of the people, a childhood family friend, to be at the farm and in the house. He seemed to think it was alright that his girlfriend moved in, and SHE seemed to think it was alright to go through every closet, drawer, cabinet in the house and move, RE-move, appropriate, PAWN(!) whatever she found. When she and several other morons were arrested, she actually had the brazen boldness to ask for her 'personal things'.
This extraordinary intellectual left 'letters' for us in the house. She left dozens of pages of ramblling incoherent inane jabber. Here is one letter which actually reached my mother. I was enraged because my mother was terribly upset and confused.
